Carousel
by TheHildur92
Summary: The story takes place a year before the pilot episode of Supernatural. Sam is happy at Stanford when Dean arrives trying to win him back. Will it be happily ever after? Dean/Sam.
1. Chapter 1

_I can feel him watching me from the moment I enter the bar. My arm is slung casually around Jessica´s shoulders as we head with our group to a table and sit down. We order drinks, and the others laugh and joke, making jibes at my expense but I barely notice because my eyes have met his and time is standing still. We gaze at each other across the bar and suddenly our surroundings fade away and it is only me and him._

_He has always had that power over me._

_My eyes don´t leave his until Jessica pulls at my shirt and focuses my attention to something Nate is asking me. I answer his question but when I look back to the bar where he was standing, I can see he is no longer there. With a feeble excuse at best, I run to the bathroom to see if I might find him there. The room is empty when I enter so I go to the sink, wash my face and try to gather my equlibrium so that the others will not see through the facade. _

_I look into the mirror after drying my face on a towel and note that he is standing behind me. _

_I am the one to break the silence as I toss the towel into the garbage. "We can´t keep playing these games, Dean."_

_I can see in the mirror, gazing back at him, that my brother´s eyebrow lifts in a familiar gesture. "Which game would that be?"_

_My brother comes up behind me and begins sucking on my earlobe. "Cause I know one we can play."_

_In response, I elbow him in the stomach and push him away, harshly. _

_I turn to face him. "I am through with this bullshit, Dean. I am not one of your bootycalls."_

_My brother rubs at his stomach, some of the cockiness apparently gone from his demeanour. I, however, am far from fooled. "Come on, Sammy, I thought maye..."_

_His tone is almost pleading._

_I cut him off before he gets any further. "Well, you thought wrong!"_

"_Why are you acting like this?" My brother seems genuinely confused at my anger. I have never pushed him away before. His confusion only fuels my anger all the more. _

"_I told you the truth, Dean, fucking all of it. That I was in love with you. You told me to leave. You threw it all back into my face. And now you want to kiss and make up?"_

"_I want to do much more then that..." Dean even wriggles his eyebrows as he speaks the words._

"_You didn´t hear I word I said, did you?" I turn away from my brother and head for the door. His next words, however, stop me dead in my tracks._

"_I am sorry, Sammy."_

_I turn to face him. "What exactly are you referring to, Dean?"_

_Dean suddenly finds that his shoes are extremely interesting and doesn´t look up when he speaks again. "I fucked up and I am sorry."_

_I walk over to Dean and reach out for his chin with my hand. I gently guide his face upwards until his eyes meet mine. "I got scared when you confessed how you felt. I freaked out, to tell the truth. So, I told you to leave for Stanford."_

"_You want me to forgive you?" Even I can hear the disbelief in my own voice._

"_Yeah," my brother confesses sheepishly. "Crazy, isn´t it?"_

"_Absolutely mental," I concur, my mouth twisting upwards in a smile despite my better judgement._

_My hand moves upwards to cradle his cheek and I trace the bone lovingly with my thumb. _

"_Damn it, I have missed you man." I am not given a chance to respond to my brother´s confession because he pushes me up against the nearest bathroom wall and claims my lips with his own. The kiss is animalistic, frighteningly filled with need and takes my breath away and makes my knees weak. _

_We are quickly interrupted by two men entering the bathroom who quickly leave when they notice us kissing in a corner. Dean looks at me with desire burning in his eyes and pulls me through the emergency exit into the empty alley behind the bar. _


	2. Chapter 2

_Dean pulls me into the alley, pushing me again up against the hard, concrete wall. He gets down on his knees and undoes my jeans without any further warning. I am already hard for him and he smiles when he sees that. I moan as I feel his warmth surround me. My hands find his shorn locks and I hold on for dear life. A part of me wants to push him away, knowing I am taking advantage, but all I can think of is the freedom of release I feel when I come into his mouth._

_When we are done, Dean stands up and is about to kiss me but I push him away. He looks surprised and not a little hurt. "Why did you do that?"_

"_Leave it alone," I respond as I zip up my jeans. _

"_I thought that we could fix this."_

"_You can´t fix what is broken, Dean. All we ever do is ride this damn carousel, going around in circles. We are good, then we fight and kiss and make up. Then it all begins again. I, for one, am getting sick and tired of it. I am tired of trying to put the pieces back together. We are broken, and always will be. There isn´t anything we can do to fix it."_

"_You mean there is nothing you will do." The green eyes of my brother are now flashing with anger. _

"_Is there a difference?" My response takes the fight out of him._

_Dean looks down on his shoes. "This is all my fault. If I had..."_

"_It isn´t your fault," I reassure him. "Neither is it mine. I hate to say it, but we simply weren´t meant to be."_

_Dean looks up at my words. "You think that is what this is about?"_

"_Then what is it about?"_

"_This." Dean walks up to me, grabs me by the back of the neck and pulls me down to his level to join my lips with his. I can feel the love and tenderness within his touch, and at that moment, I know for certain what he could never tell me with words. Nobody will ever love me like he does. _


	3. Chapter 3

_We finally break apart due to a lack of oxygen and Dean joins his forehead with mine. We stay like this for a few moments, until fear comes into his eyes and he ducks behind the dumpster not too far away. At first I don´t understand what he is doing, until I hear the backdoor open and see that it is my girlfriend. _

"_I was wondering where you had gotten off to."_

_It is now time to play the part and I do so spectacularly. I lean up against the wall, holding myself steady with one hand as I heave. Nothing cames._

"_I´m sorry," I respond. "I think I drank too much." _

_She walks over and put her hand on the small of my back. "Are you okay?"_

"_Yeah, I just had too much to drink." With that, I finally throw up my dinner. It is more about the sickening thought of life without Dean, then any amount of alcohol consumed, but she doesn´t know that._

"_I´ll take you home," Jessica offers. _

_I stretch up again to my full height."No, I will stay here for a moment and then walk back to campus. The fresh air will do me good."_

"_Are you sure?" _

_I flash my best fake smile. "Yeah, babe, I´m sure." _

"_If you haven´t passed out by the time I get home, you might even get lucky!" Jessica winks at me and then returns inside, eager to get back to our friends. _

_Dean emerges from behind the dumpster, looking like someone ran over his puppy._

_I wipe my mouth with my shirtsleeve. "Don´t look at me like that. This isn´t easy for me, Dean."_

_Dean gives a snort. "And here I was thinking you had Jess to help you get over it."_

_I get up into his face. "This is killing me, Dean! There is a hardly a day in my life where you were absent or a childhood memory that doesn´t have you in it. My first memories are of you holding me close, keeping me safe. Do you think it´s easy to let go of that?"_

"_That´s why I´m here, Sammy. I couldn´t let go." _

_Suddenly, all the anger was gone. "What?" I breathe._

_My strong, stoic, big brother turns and punches the hard, concrete wall as hard as he can. I have never before seen him this lost, this vulnerable. He rubs his bleeding knuckles absent-mindedly as he turns to me again. It´s as if he can´t fell the pain."I can´t do it without you, little brother. The ghosts, demons, goblins, dad, any of it. I need you."_

_I need you. How I had longed to hear those words six months ago when I climbed into the bus to go to Stanford. He could have stopped me then with a word. I would have stayed, given it all up for him if he had just asked. Instead, he had merely waved to me through the window as the bus left the station. _

_I look into his eyes and see how lost he is. From this moment, I can envision the last six months of his life. While I have been slowly rebuilding mine, attending classes, making friends and dating Jess, he has been banging numerous girls, drinking shots he can´t remember the name of and living in faceless hotel rooms. Yet, he could not fill the void inside him with random one night stands. Only I can do that._

"_I know you do. I need you, too."_

"_Does that mean you´ll come back?" I couldn´t miss the hope in his voice._

"_No, I can´t."_

"_Why not?"_

_It was time to be brutally frank. "Because you would be robbing a broke man, Dean. I got nothing left to give."_

_I stop for a moment before continuing._

"_You were my first everything, Dean. I gave you everything I had because that´s who I am. I gave you so much that all Jess has are leftovers."_

_Dean reaches out and grabs my hand impulsively. "I behaved like an asshole, I know that. I didn´t know how good I had it. It took your leaving to understand what this truly is."_

_I shake his hand away."You could have figured it out a little sooner, Dean."_

"_I was an arrogant son of a bitch but I´ve changed. You did that. Surely, I deserve another chance?"_

"_No." My voice is firm, does not invite objections. _

"_Why not?"_

"_Because some things can´t be taken back. You can´t rewrite the past."_

"_What is then left to say?"_

"_Nothing." I turn to walk away but turn to face Dean when he speaks up._

"_I love you, Sammy." _

_I walk to him and pull him towards me, moulding my body to his. We stand within the embrace for a long time. _

"_I love you too," I lean down to whisper the words into his ear. He at least know how I truly feel, even though we will never be together. I inhale the scent of his leather jacket one last time. It is as if my final willpower has left me and I can´t let go, holding on like a drowning man would a liferaft. When it finally comes down to it, therefore, it is Dean that pulls away from the hug, pats me on the shoulder and walks out of the alley, disappearing out of sight. _

_I walk home alone after standing forever in the alley, listening to the sound of the Impala fade away in the distance. _


End file.
